In Love And Lonely
by Frankenstein-Drag-Queen
Summary: Jesse James is depressed and hates himself. He believes Billy Gunn hates him too so he thinks he doesn't deserve to live.


Title: In Love And Lonely.  
Author: Kristina Q.  
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me, but if they did, I sure as hell wouldn't complain giggles  
Warning: Angst, attempted suicide, mentions of male/male relations.  
Distribution: Anywhere you want as long as you ask me.  
Couple: Jesse James/Billy Gunn. Sort of.  
Rating: PG-13.  
Notes: Jesse James POV.  
  
Here I am again. Still thinking about you, knowing that you will never be mine. Not this time. You hate me, and I don't blame you for that. But I still love you; I can't get you out of my mind. I see you everywhere I look, and I reach out desperately to embrace you, want to touch you, feel your delicious skin, smell the scent of you, and taste your addictive flavor. But every time I'm about to reach you, then you disappear and I wander around trying to find you again. Then it starts all over again.  
  
I don't know what it is that makes me love you, but one thing I know is that I can't exist without you. When you were around me, I felt secure and was happy. Now when you're gone I'm completely lost. I stumble around and wish for you to walk towards me and take me into your arms and never let go of me again. It will never happen, and it's my own entire fault.  
  
You are every thing I've ever wanted, and I fucked it up. I always fuck it up. No matter what I do it always ends up being wrong.  
  
When I was with you I never realized how much I really loved you, and now that I'm alone, I can feel how much I miss you. I'm longing for your touch; your smooth fingertips cautiously caressing my sensitive skin, sending shivers down my spine.  
  
I'm so cold. I didn't bother to close the window. God, when I'm awake I can't stop thinking of you, and when I sleep I continuously dream about you. The sweetest dream, where you and I were making love would suddenly turn into the most horrible nightmare, where you leave me crying and pleading for you to stay with me, but you never even look back at me.  
  
If I could only turn back the time to before we began drifting apart. Sometimes I wonder if it could have been avoided, but no matter what I tried, it only seemed to drift us further apart than we already were.  
  
Believe me, there has been so many times where I just wanted to end my own misery in the hope of you coming to save me, but I'm afraid to do it. What if you won't come to save me? Oh, Billy why won't you save me? You used to call me 'your precious Jesse' and I'm longing for you to hold your strong arms around my waist, letting me rest my head on your chest, feeling you breathe at a slow pace and listening to the rhythm of your heartbeat.  
  
I close my eyes and now I can feel my tears run down my cheeks, soaking the pillow underneath my head. I take a deep breath and sigh. Oh, Billy... You used to forgive me. Why not this time, when I need you the most. I need you to tell me that I'm not worthless. Tell me that you love me, but you don't. There is no reason for me to live. You were my reason to live. I might as well die. You hate me anyway.  
  
You hate me. My eyes are stinging and I find myself weeping even more. I can barely breathe through my own sobs, and I bury my face in my hands. Billy I love you so much. I feel so lonely. Everything I see reminds me of you and I can't stand the pain in my heart. This unbearable heartache. It feels like I'm suffering from a disease, which can never be cured. If only I could tear my heart out and burn it, then it wouldn't hurt anymore! I'm sick of the pain. Everything reminds me of the day you left me.  
  
I'm afraid of living. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. It hurts too much and I love you too much to forget you. My own sorrows are swallowing me. Eating me from the inside. You are the only person who can save me. Please save me! Please! I'm begging you to save me! Please? Each day I die a little more, and soon I will be a walking corpse...  
  
My world is only gray now. Each and every color vanished with you. I love you more than life itself. My sobs have died out and I wipe the tears away, sniffling. I feel so pathetic. I love you.  
  
I listen to the silence, trying to convince myself that you will be here soon to wash my tears, sorrows, pains and fears away with a single touch of your fingers or your pink moist lips on mine.  
  
I have wasted all of my chances and it's time to face the facts. You are not coming back to me. Never.  
  
I gaze at the bathroom door, and I let out a sigh, chuckling to prevent myself from whimpering again. There is nothing else left for me to do. I drag myself off of the bed and I stumble through the darkness towards the bathroom. I reach out for the doorknob and I realize my hands are shaking. My entire body is trembling. Is it because I'm terrified? Or is it some other reason? I don't know and it doesn't matter anymore. I have to do this!  
  
I'm too weak to go on anymore. I haven't smiled for several weeks. No one loves me. The angels have stopped singing. Billy was my angel! You are my angel do you know that? My heart is beating faster now. I guess I am a little afraid.  
  
As the door opened, goose bumps appear on my arms, due to the squeaky sound, and I flip on the light. I don't move for a moment. I try to keep myself from crying and grab the razorblade on the sink. I stare at the tiny piece of metal. I try to pretend it won't hurt. I know it will hurt, but not as much as the pain deep in my chest.  
  
Just as I'm about to place the razorblade on my wrist I see myself in the mirror. Look at what I have become. My pale skin. The black lines under my red tear-filled eyes. One single tear escapes and drips onto my hand. It's so warm and gentle as Billy's touch. You promised I'd always be yours, but here I am all alone. About to commit suicide. Only you can save me from killing myself, and you are not here. You were the only person to keep from going insane. I've lost you. I've lost my mind.  
  
I turn my head away from the reflection in the mirror, and once again I connect the razorblade with my wrist. My hands are trembling again. I close my eyes and I can feel the cold metal cutting through my skin. My teeth are gritted and I let out a small whimper. Blood is running down my wrist and drips down on the floor. I listen to the silence again, able to hear the tiny droplets of blood splashing onto the floor, developing into a little puddle.  
  
I hear the sound of metal connecting to the tiled floor as I toss the bloody razorblade away from me. This pain is bearable compared to my heartache. You didn't save me...Why? You said you'd be there for me when I needed you. I need you. I need you now!  
  
The confusing is overwhelming me along with dizziness. The stinging pain in my wrist is growing to my entire arm and I sink to the floor, holding my arm tightly to my chest. I am shaking again. I am smiling. It's over. The pain is over. The torture is over for good! I tilt my head back and rest it against the cold wall and shut my eyes only waiting to die.  
  
I can only hear my own my breathing and my heartbeat and I pretend it is yours, though I know it isn't. My arm is numb now and my head is pounding. My shirt is soaked in the blood from my wrist. This is the end. I love you. I love you more than you will ever know. But you didn't save me. I am not able to stay awake anymore and I give in to the endless sleep.  
  
I open my eyes. My vision is blurry and all I can see is something white. I must be in Heaven. But for what reason? I should be in Hell! I raise my hands to rub my eyes and now I can see again. The white is a ceiling. I'm in a hospital? But how?  
  
My wrist is bandaged and I gaze around in despair and i shocked by what I see. Next to the bed, Billy is sleeping in a chair. On his cheeks I can see dried tears. He has been crying. I don't understand!  
  
He hates me! Doesn't he? What if... He loves me? He loves me! He saved me! You saved me and you love me! My Billy. My own Billy. Forever! I love him and he loves me. I can't believe it.  
  
I can't take my eyes off of him. He is so beautiful. He is perfect. I love everything about him. If you forgive me now I will never hurt you again. I love you too much.  
  
I love you. You love me. I'm yours forever, Billy!  
  
The End ####### 


End file.
